Things I'll Never Say
by ValerianSunrise
Summary: Songfic KuroFai; Written Ages Ago, Please excuse the writing.


**Disclaimer:**** Sadly enough, I do not own the confusing creation that Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles is. If I did, I probably would have made the ending somewhat less depressing, made Kurogane and Fai admit their love to each other, and it wouldn't be about Sakura and Syaoran, more like Fai and Kurogane and Syaoran and Sakura as the guest characters. Muahaha! Anyway, do not sue me, because, truth be told, you won't get any money from me. I'm broke. So yeah. :] OH YEAH! I don't own 'Things I'll Never Say' by Avril Lavigne either. **

**Author's Note: ****Wow lets see if I can actually finish a bloody story for once! Seriously, I start them, stop halfway from becoming bored and find soemthing else to do, and never publish. I didn't use to be like that, meh, oh well. Anyway, this is somewhat my first story for Tsubasa, I've roleplayed Fai D. Flourite, and several other characters in Tsubasa though, so I hope I don**

**totally fail at this. Sorry if it seems kinda OOC as well, but meh, you sometimes have to do that to supply yourself with fangirl moments. I hope to make an AMV sometime with this song to KuroFai however. Anyway, I want to dedicate this chapter a certain person at the moment . . . . dadadada~ SENPAI! Why? She used to roleplay Kuro-tan for me! She was one of the best Kurogane's I had ever roleplayed with too, and she just deserves a fanfiction dedicated to her since she's the first person to contact me after I deleted my bebo. I WUVS YOU! Now . . . enough of my rambling, and I wouldn't be surprised if over half of you just skipped this part of the story :]**

* * *

How long had it really been since they had started traveling together? No one could really tell right off the bat, they knew it had been months by now, but perhaps it was nearing their anniversary of traveling as a group to search for the young tan haired girl's feathers? Maybe yes, maybe no.

The blonde haired mage was drying off a plate that had been used earlier to serve some of the delicious cake that they served at the _Cat's Eye._ They had let the last of their customers go about an hour ago, and Sakura had appeared to becoming weary, her movements slower and weaker then normal.

The beautiful blue eyed boy simply smiled kindly to the emerald eyed princess and told her that he truly would be just fine, and that she should get some rest, he would let her know when Syaoran and Kurogane would return from their sword training, or whatever it was they were up to at this hour.

Sighing a tad bit, Fai continued on with cleaning what was left of the porcelain dishes. He too felt a little on the tired side, but, he knew that these had to be done and no matter how he felt at the current moment. After all, he was playing the 'mother-like' roll, and he had to 'set an example' for 'the children.'

A chuckle soon came to the wizard's lips from that simple thought alone. He really did enjoy having such kind people around him that he could actually grow fond of, and help, but he knew that the dream wouldn't last forever, but at the moment, he pushed that away from his mind.

The door opening, and a bell ringing from the process of the door being opened, snapped him from his thoughts as he gazed over to the source of the noise, which revealed to be Kurogane and Syaoran returning from whatever little tasks they had been up to from that afternoon up till now.

"Welcome Back Puppies!" He cooed out in his usual, cheerful, outgoing kind of way. He felt as he received a glare from the elder of the two 'dogs' as they were known in this world, but the younger of the two was the first to speak to him.

"We're back." Syaoran replied, and gave a tired smile. It was clear that he had been working hard all day, and he had been giving his all in the training Kurogane was putting him through.

Fai reopened his eyes only a few moments later and smiled, in a knowing sort of way. "It seems like you should probably go and take a bath and get a good night's rest, Syaoran-kun, would you like anything to eat, or would you rather just sleep? Speak to Sakura before you go to bed, she's been worried for you all day."

A flush had begun to form on the brown eyed boy's cheeks, nodding in response as he slipped past Fai, after bowing and giving his thanks to the blonde haired mage once again. A few moments later, he heard the tapping of the boy's feet leaving towards the upper floor of the restaurant that they were using here, in Outo Country.

The wizard had almost completely forgotten about the ninja's presence until he had grumbled something about the mage's cooking being too sweet. Sapphire eyes danced over towards the crimson ones which were staring into the cupboards and refrigerator. Fai couldn't help but smile at this, he knew the other was angry by the fact the only thing that had been left out was the cakes that he had prepared for the customers that day.

"Gomenasai Big Puppy~ but the only food that we have at the moment that would suit your taste is the bread over there, but we don't really have anything to put on it other then butter and jam." He replied closing his eyes. "Mokona said you were going to pick something up on the way, but I guess you two decided against it?"

"Shut it, mage." Came the all too familiar growl from Kurogane's throat. Of course, this didn't seem to damper the shorter man's mood at all. Or at least on the outside. Fai always wanted to see if he could get the other to smile, but all the same, he loved being able to get under his skin. Yet, why? Well, Fai knew the answer to that, but he never let it be known aloud.

He liked Kurogane, and not just in the semi-friendship standards they were on at the moment. Though, he had a feeling that he couldn't be able to fulfill his wish. He knew that the ninja cared deeply for his princess, and the fact he pretty much **despised **him as well. Yet, could he really blame Kurogane for feeling that way? No, not really, because, indeed, he knew that the continuous playing around, teasing, and other kinds of _messing around and affection _would affect him. Why? He assumed it had to either be something to do with the past of the tanned male, or perhaps just of the way he had been brought up.

He couldn't really place it. Yet, only after a few moments, he understood that he couldn't question about it, the crimson eyed would not be happy to be interrogated with silly questions, which would only lead the other to hate Fai only more. Shaking the thought away he laughed a bit, running a hand through his hair, walking over to put some of the things on the counter away in their proper places.

_I'm tuggin' at my hair_

_I'm pullin' at my clothes_

_I'm tryin' to keep my cool_

_I know it shows_

Did the ninja have _**any **_idea as to what he did to him? More then likely, he suspected _something _but probably assumed that it wasn't important enough to make the magician tell him. Fai let a slight chuckle fall past his lips, not realizing it was loud enough for the other to hear.

Of course, being the ninja he was, Kurogane glanced over, giving a slight frown at hearing an amused sound come from Fai's lips. He wasn't sure what the hell could be so amusing, when nothing had clearly happened other then the fact he had tried to find something to snack upon.

Sometimes that blonde idiot could really drive him insane. His eyes narrowed oh so slightly as he spoke once again. "What?" He demanded, obviously not in the mood to be made into a joke, which he assumed he was from the way the mage acted around him, along with that damned white puffball.

"It's nothing Kuro-chi." Fai replied, his voice melodic, and light, but still hiding apparent amusement. Once again, the darker male feel a vein in his head begin to throb, he was clearly becoming annoyed _yet again _by the blue eyed boy's antics. He marched over, glaring at the other. He had him slightly cornered, this way, he couldn't run around making a loud goose chase for him.

"Liar. What the hell are you laughing at?" He demanded once again, but the blonde only turned around, a little surprised by the sudden closeness from the other. A small, obviously somewhat genuine smile coming for once as he spoke to the other, his eyes closed, giving him even more of a foxy spark.

"I said it was nothing Kuro-puu, now do you want me to fix you some toast, or are you just going to skip eating today?" The blonde was trying to sneak his way from having to answer the other's questions, but of course, the ninja saw right through it, and only frowned more so, taking one step closer.

This startled the slenderer one, his eyes widening in surprise, a trace of pink forming onto his cheeks as he gazed at the other. "Kuro-pon?"

"I said tell me what the hell is going on in that damned head of yours, mage." The other said, obviously not in the mood to play another one of the mage's games. Fai looked away, his eyes turning downwards, and his soft blonde locks falling into his face, concealing some of the pink that had begun to form onto his pallor cheeks.

"I . . . " What kind of lie could he come up with? Or should he just spit the truth out? That he imagined the ninja's reaction to his confession, or saying something that Kurogane would probably take the wrong way, or perhaps, the _correct _way, but react in a manner that would only deflate whatever had inflated the tiny hint of hope into the wizard's heart.

Of course, no one could get close to him, he couldn't let it happen. He didn't want to lose anyone else important to him. He had already lost his parents, his brother, his country, and his savior. They were all taken in the cruel ways, but in different ways.

I_'m staring at my feet_

_My cheeks are turning red_

_I'm searching for the words inside my head_

"Well?" Kurogane demanded once again, but he didn't seem to be getting through to the other. For once, the mage seemed to be slipping away into his ownw world in front of someone, letting his walls fall for a little bit. What was wrong with him?

Sheesh, it wasn't that important. Besides, why should he care? He should probably be **happy **that the dumb idiot was shutting up for once. Like he always wanted him to. Huffing a tad bit he leaned away from the other and turned around.

"Yeah. Just fix me some toast. But don't you _dare _but any of that sickening sweet stuff on it!" He said loudly, and in a dead serious tone that most anyone would not disobey, but then again, this was not most anyone, and he had a feeling Fai would probably put some sort of sweet flavor on it just to irritate him.

However, the mage was still gazing down at his feet, a smile forming on his lips, his mask slowly beginning to form once again as he looked up, the pink was now faded. Hardly noticable to the naked eye as he nodded his head in response. "Hai! As you wish Kuro-wanwan!"

"KUROGANE." The ninja said darkly, obviously a tad bit relieved, and annoyed that the other was back to normal.

Fai only smiled and began to put the bread in what this world called a 'toaster', humming a light song as he worked along, he felt as if he was being watched, and that made him a tad bit apprehensive, but he couldn't let that part show, he had to continue to hide, to let false emotions conceal the true ones, the reason?

He couldn't let anyone break through, and damage him or anyone near him again. He couldn't take the pain anymore, that probably was indeed the reason he continued to hide. Yet, why was he even trying to be kind, to be the 'perfect' person for the children, as well as Kurogane? He wasn't exactly being perfect since he was always infuriating him in some manner or another, but . . . still.

Perhaps, he knew deep inside that Kurogane was indeed an honorable man, he deserved to be treated with kindness, he had faced hardships, he knew it, he could just _sense _it. What they were exactly, he did not know, however, he would not pry. For, indeed he knew he would hate for anyone, and he meant **anyone **to do that to him.

_And I'm feeling nervous _

_Tryin' to be so perfect_

_'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it_

_Yeah . . . _

* * *

Time had passed somewhat by now, and the wizard had already served the plate of toast, butter only. He had cleaned the dish up, he had annoyed the ninja a few more times, but not as many as he normally would, and he knew it had gone by noticed, but he didn't much care at the moment. He simply smiled and waved it off, ignoring the unsure stare that he kept receiving from the other. He couldn't bring himself to make eye contact.

Perhaps that had gone noticed as well. Oh well, it didn't matter much. They had gone to bed, they lay in separate, and the blonde had his long, slender arms wrapped around himself. His thoughts getting the better of him. Why couldn't he just tell the truth? His life would be so much more simpler, but at the same time, it would be more harsh, more tragic. Well, not that it wasn't already, but it would just be known.

He'd be pitied, hated, and other things of the same sort, that could only sting in his heart. Perhaps he deserved to be hated, but he couldn't take the pity. He wasn't some stray baby animal left out in the cold, yes, it felt that way, and in some ways he had been like that analogy, but at the same time, it was so much different, so much more confusing.

Now to add onto the confusion and stress, he had developed feelings for the other of the adults in the group. He shivered a tad bit, but he wasn't sure why. He suddenly felt cold, lonely, and in some sort of pain. His sapphire eyes opened somewhat, gazing at the moonlight that cascaded itself and painted its way across the cream colored sheets.

He sighed a little bit, but he managed to keep it silent, blowing a soft strand of blonde hair away from his face, his mind turning with thoughts, questions and so many other things that only could be related to the emotions that were flooding inside his usually frozen and crushed heart.

Maybe it was crushed, but why had a spark been lit, to melt that ice that had been built to protect him from feeling emotions for people? Why had the children, Mokona, and even Kurogane done that to him? Why did he care? Why did he want to betray the promises he had made as a child to that man who had pointed to him, who had told him his destiny? Why did he even have this pain now? It felt like an ache, and it was in his chest.

"Heartache." He whispered oh so very quietly to himself, his eyes closing once again before he turned over in his bed and gazed at the crimson eyed ninja who seemed to be in a peaceful sleep. He longed to be able to fall asleep like that, to not have to worry about these things, to be able to say everything clear and in the open.

To tell the other male that he had fallen in love with him, and he was willing to do what it took to get him back to his world, to his true friends and loved ones. Yet, that thought hurt even more so. He didn't want the other to leave. He wanted the other to stay, and feel for _him _as well. He wanted to be loved, he wanted to know that his feelings were not unrequited. Yet, why did he want to feel that? Why did he even care? Why, why, why?

_If I could say what I want to say_

_I'd say I want to blow you--away_

Another shiver ran through the wizard's body. He had been used to much colder weather, he had even slept outside in much colder weather. Yet, somehow, this night seemed different. It seemed more frozen, more lonely, more painful then any night he had spent elsewhere. Almost as painful and cold as those nights in Valeria had been, climbing, climbing, and reaching for that one thing he wanted more then anything.

_Fai. _He thought inwardly and his features gave the sadness he felt. He had longed for his brother, To feel the warmth of his hand, the soft voice that was so close to his own, he wanted his brother to hold him, and to hold his brother in return. He had wanted that love, and now, he was longing for the love of someone so much closer to his reach and yet, he could not reach out and take it. He couldn't get Kurogane to understand, and he knew he wouldn't ever be able to.

However, the strangest thing happened. He stood up and walked over, a blanket wrapped around his body. The moonlight cascading his beautiful features, giving him an angelic kind of glow. He closed his sapphire eyes, and he debated a few moments, not sure as to why he was wanting to do this, and why he was allowing himself to do this in the first place. He just longed for something, a touch, a hit, anything to know that he wasn't completely alone in this room, that the things weren't hallucinations.

He needed it.

Slowly, he slipped onto the edge of the ninja's bed. Waiting to see if there was any reaction, to see if the crimson eyed one had woken up, he saw nothing. Relief flooded his features, a calming smile forming, slowly, letting his slender arms rest around the warmth that he had decided was known as the **real **Kurogane, not the cold steel that he made, or the blazing fire that he always appeared to be.

Perhaps, he had been afraid to be burned, but this was not a harsh, burning and consuming fire, it was pleasant, warm, like hot chocolate on a cold winter's day. Sighing contentedly, he snuggled against the other, deciding that the ninja was indeed asleep. Oh how he wished he could do this and the ninja would be alert, aware of it, and not shove him away and call him a moron. That was the mental image that had been imprinted in his mind when he had ever thought of this before.

What would be new? It was the way Kurogane reacted to most things. It couldn't be that much different now. Why couldn't he let the feelings he felt be spread out, shown, expressed and given with the sincere feelings he felt inside his heart? Why couldn't he imagine the other returning the so desired emotion? It was impossible, for oh so many reasons.

_Be with you every night_

_Am I squeezing you too tight?_

_If I could say what I want to see_

_I want to see you go down--on one knee_

It truly was a fool's dream to hope for something like that. It was impossible for anything like that to happen. It was even an idiotic thing to even hope of it, or even let it flicker with the desire that had begun to be set ablaze in the mage's frozen heart. There was no way his feelings would ever be given in return, that the ninja could love him. The warrior was too set on his mission, on his desire to prove he was the strongest one of all, to return home to his princess. To what truly mattered to him.

He had nothing of the sort. He had a frozen wasteland with no living person there except for a creation and a homicidal emperor. He was dreaming, wishing, and doing things that truly were despicable for a cursed former prince to dream of. There was no way he would ever let these feelings be expressed, said aloud, told, all those actions that could be done, but would never be.

_Marry me today_

_Guess I'm wishing my life away_

_These Things I'll Never Say_

Little had the wizard known, crimson eyes had been open enough to see the other sit upon the bed, snuggle against him, wrap his cool arms against his warm skin. The samurai warrior knew well that the wizard had done this on his free will, had wanted to do this, had needed to, but . . . why in the hell did he have to?

* * *

He'd been having nightmares again. He knew it was never good if he was having nightmares, however, he was downright sure that it was not good at all if he was speaking in his sleep, and causing the tallest of the three males in the traveling group to wake him up. They had left Outo Country a good while ago, in fact, it had probably been about three months now, and the mage had forced himself to never cme so close to confessing his feelings to the other again.

Of course, he hadn't done any of this verbally, however, it was still quite clear that there **was **something going on in that little blonde head of his. Kurogane had picked up on this all immediately, he picked up on it quicker then he had ever before. It had been that way ever since that night three months ago when the blue eyed had slipped into his bed, snuggling him, clinging onto his warmth to his own still cool body.

Why had he done this again? The fact was, he still did not know, and he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to know. However, he wanted to also know why he hadn't just pushed him away, smacked him, yelled at him, or something. Why had he let him do that? Perhaps, he could just sense the fear that had somehow build into the slender one's body. It had reflected in the cool soft skin . . . .WAIT, did he just say **SOFT?! **Shaking the thought away, he got his mind to the matter at hand.

"Oi, what-- no, why are you telling in your sleep?" He demanded in his gruff, but deeply somewhat soothing tone. Why was he letting that side of his show to the idiotic mage again?

Fai looked away and gave a bit of a smile, the facade was shining through clear as day again, but the warrior could see straight through the little charade that he was putting on. "Don't you dare feed me another damn lie, wizard." Of course, he had been prepared, and saw the shock that flooded onto the sapphire eyed male's features.

"Nani?" He spoke. He then gave a wry, kind smile. "I don't know what on earth you are talking about, Kuro-pii!"

Angered beyond reason, for some odd reason in itself, the ninja slammed his arm down, cornering Fai into the bed's wall and himself. "I said, don't give me another damn lie!" They weren't that far apart, and he didn't seem to mind the closeness, but ignored it all the same, his burning red eyes searing into the cool sky colored ones that the angelic looking boy had been blessed with.

"I'm not lying." Fai said, his usual cheerful demeanor falling for once, his face hidden beneath those sun kissed locks again.

"You're not telling the truth."

Silence filled the air, and Fai didn't let his face show. He didn't want to be revealed, he didn't want his only protection, the mask he always used to be torn away from him. He couldn't stand looking into the glaring red eyes and being revealed, revealed of his lies, revealed of his past, of his true feelings.

_It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time_

_What use is it to you what's on my mind?_

Why on earth was the ninja being so persistent. Nightmares came, and nightmares went. What difference did it make if he had a dream? Surely it wasn't **that **uncommon, was it? Why was the other questioning it so much? He looked away, closing his eyes. He wasn't truly in the mood to be interrogated, but he had no way to get around that. He simply glanced up finally managing to conjure up a decent mask.

"What does it matter to you?" He responded, his voice cool, and collected, for the time being that is.

Obviously becoming more annoyed then he had been before, the ninja crossed the line and leaned forward, glaring at the mage. "Just tell me you idiot." He growled, sounding more like a 'puppy' then ever. He wasn't going to let this one go. He wanted to know who these names were that Fai called in his sleep, and why on earth did he call his own damn name?

It made no sense, and he felt as if there was no progress in getting the wizard to spill anything to him.

_If it ain't comin' out, we're not going anywhere_

_So why can't I just tell you that I care?_

_'Do I care about him?' _The thoughts echoed in Kurogane's mind. He couldn't, could he? Why would he care about anything relating to that stupid, annoying blonde? Nothing, there was nothing to like about him. Yet . . . still, why was he even worrying over this, was it really 'worry' or was it 'concern' or was it just curiosity? None of them really seemed to fit.

Or did they?

Fai's attention was drawn towards the left, he wanted to avoid eye contact with the other once again, and he tired to slip away. Giving a false smile that was sure to anger the warrior even more then before. However Currently, Fai didn't really care if it did or not. He wanted to get away from those scalding eyes that he always felt could see right into his soul.

"It's truly nothing, Kuro-sama." He spoke, using a nickname that never seemed to bother the taller male as much. "Please drop the subject, I don't think I could let you see that part of myself." He said, his voice still calm, but holding the false happiness that always surrounded him in a cloud that only Kurogane could see into.

"It's too late for that, mage." Kurogane responded and leaned way from the other. "You were crying out in your sleep, you were calling your own name, desperately, and you were screaming about some 'Ashura-ou', the same one you spoke of when were in Yama."

" . . . " Silence range through the air, and Fai's face was shining through, his mask broken for once.

A sigh fell from the blonde's lips before he spoke up again. "Why can't you let that drop, Kurogane? It's none of your business."

Obviously startled by the use of his full name, rather then an obnoxious nickname, crimson eyes stared, practically unbelieving.

"That me is one that I can never show, I never want anyone to see it, why are you pushing so much to see it?" He finally started and turned around, his sapphires meeting ruby ones.

_'Cause I'm feeling nervous_

_Tryin' to be so perfect_

_'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it _

_Yeah . . . _

"Why are you being such a damn pain?" He growled, glaring darkly at the blue eyed magician once again. A dry chuckle came from the wizard's lips as he looked over at the other, and gave a soft smile in response. He knew that the other wasn't ever going to let this drop, and he knew he would have to suffer through it, and use his best to avoid revealing the truth.

. . . about everything.

_If I could say what I wanna say_

_I'd say I want to blow you--away_

_Be with you every night_

"Did it ever occur to you that people worry about you?" Came a serious voice, and the mage's eyes opened and glanced over towards the ninja once again. Confusion, shock, and several emotions that weren't really identified were washing over his face as if it was in a tidal wave.

"What do you mean?" He spoke, his voice slightly shaken, trying to hold onto the last thread of his facade.

"The kid, the princess, that annoying manjuu-bun." He responded, and Fai's smile only grew, but it was saddened, and it was forced, as he gave a soft laugh.

"I guess you're right." He managed to say and turned away from the ninja, letting his facade fall, he couldn't push it onto his face anymore, not right now. Not after that dream, not after the interrogation, and the disappointing answers and 'comforts' that his traveling companion was feeding him.

Kurogane frowned as he watched the other turn around. It wasn't exactly comforting, and he wasn't exactly thrilled that Fai was hiding, running away, and avoiding anything that was given to him. It was like he was preferring to be alone, to not get close to anyone. Yet, once again, why the hell did he feel that way?

Unsure as to why he was doing this in the first place, he walked over and reached over to grab the sleeve of the slenderer man's top. "Oi." He said,trying to gain the attention of the other once again.

Fai shivered faintly, but not from cold, more from the fact he couldn't understand what he was feeling anymore. He hated this, he hated the fact that he couldn't decide, nor could he just be honest with others around him, as well as _himself. _

"Kuro . . . " He said softly, closing his eyes, and feeling his body begin to tremble. He was breaking, he was shattering, and he wasn't sure if he could take more, he turned around and threw himself into the arms of the warmth he had realized was indeed Kurogane, he was trembling, as if he had an illness, or been left in the cold for several ideas.

_Am I squeezing you too tight?_

_If I could see what I wanna see_

_I want to see you go down--on one knee_

"Please, don't make me tell you, at least not right now, please, please?" He begged, hiding his face in the other's chest. His cheeks were flushed, and he could feel tears beginning to form, but he would not give in. He couldn't let his last hope of pretending, of living a life that would not harm people, fall from him.

Startled, the crimson eyed one could only stare at the now somewhat broken mage. He hadn't ever seen this side of the Fai that always smiled, always joked, always pretended. Was this what he was like if he showed his true self? Somehow, it wasn't as comforting as he thought it would have been.

"Fai . . . " he uttered the other's name, not any real emotions showing. Only surprise, if anything.

Clinging a tad bit tighter than before, the wizard opened his eyes, looking at the dark fabric that clothed the male he was embracing. "Please." He uttered once again, his voice quiet, almost a whisper, as if he was too tired to carry on.

_Marry me today_

_Guess I'm wishing my life away_

_These Things I'll Never Say_

"I'm sorry, but there are some things that I do not wish to reveal to you, or the others yet. I don't think I could take it." She said softly "Not at the moment anyway." He said softly, nuzzling his face into the other's chest. He wasn't really caring if his emotions were showing through, he needed something, anything, to grasp onto.

"Is there something else that's bothering you?" The somewhat gruff voice asked, apparently, Kurogane hadn't quite adjusted the sudden hug he had been given from the other. However, the most surprising to both boys was the fact the taller one hadn't shoved him away, he didn't even seem to _mind _at the moment.

"It's . . . . "

_What's wrong with my tongue?_

_These words keep slipping away_

"Yeah?" A tad bit of impatience shined through, but Fai couldn't get his mind and lips to move together. Nor could he allow it to be expressed. It was taboo, it was forbidden for him to even think of feeling this way about anyone, none the less, the ninja.

"I . . . . I'ts . . . . I . . . " He spoke again, obviously a little dazed, or rather, embarrassed.

"Say it."

_I stutter, I stumble, like I've got nothing to say_

_'Cause I'm feeling nervous_

_Trying to be so perfect _

_'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it, you're worth it_

_Yeah . . . _

"I can't." Fai finally said, leaning away from the other, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "I just can't." He said softly, wiping whatever wetness that had come to his eyes away. He forced a fake smile as he heard the door open, which announced the fact Syaoran, Sakura, and Mokona were back.

"Welcome back, you all~!" He cooed.

A stare, neither annoyed, nor happy came from the ninja, it was directed to the mage, but the wizard never saw it, or at least, he pretended he didn't.

_I guess I'm wishing my life away_

_These Things I'll Never Say_

* * *

The pain he felt was unbearable, it was white hot, it was searing into his skin, into his mind, and he felt like he was dying for real. Yet, he knew deep down inside, it was something far worse. He was being kept alive instead. His insides felt as if they had been ignited, and they were going to burn right through him any moment. The only thing he could do was toss, turn, and scream.

Why had Kurogane done this to him? Why had he chose to make him live? Life could have been so much easier for them all if he had just been sentenced to his death. Syaoran would no longer have magic that had originally been his, the curse that was placed upon him would be over. Ashura-ou would never find them, threaten them. He was being kept alive, and in that process, he was being a burden.

Yet, he couldn't hate Kurogane either, was it the ninja's way of telling him that he cared? That he might . . . love him? Or was that just his foolhardy dream again? Still, he could never tell Kurogane what his true feelings were, that he wanted to be by his side, he didn't want to die, but only for his sake, and the children's, and of course, little Mokona.

_If I could say what I want to say_

_I'd say I want to blow you--away_

_Be with you every night_

Another scream pierced through and he was breathing faster, deeper, heavier. He reached out for the only thing he could grasp. He found it warm, but it was cool compared to the scalding pain and burning he felt on his insides. He needed whatever this was. He needed to grasp them, and keep him from losing it completely.

What was it? It was so familiar, and yet, it was different, because, he was being held too. Was it, what he thought it was? It couldn't be. Kurogane had no reason to do this for him, he had no reason to show him kindness, or compassion. He was simply dreaming, a foolish, and painful dream that would only hurt him more in the end.

However, that did not stop the mage from clinging onto the other more, and holding him. He needed the last hold, he needed something to tell him he was not going o fade away into oblivion in this horrible pain with a painful conscience.

_Am I squeezing you too tight?_

_If I could see what I want to see_

_I want to see you go down--on one knee_

_Marry me today_

Why did he still feel for the red eyed male? He should hate him, loathe him, so many things, and yet, he couldn't do it. He might show it on the outside, he would not let the other be forgiven for the terrible mistake he had made, but still, deep down inside, he was relieved a little. The other had at least cared enough to keep him alive, to keep him there. Yet, was it for Kurogane's sake, or for the sake of the kids? Either way, it didn't matter.

He was alive, he was still dreaming, and he knew soon enough that all these dreams would end. Their adventure, their time together, everything was coming to a close. Everything was happening rapidly. Everything would soon end, and they would all separate. Fai would wander away, either to his death, or just disappearing.

Would they even remember him? Perhaps, perhaps not. Would they care? He could sense that Sakura-chan may, and the same with Mokona. Yet, what about the brunette haired boy who had put him into this state in the first place, and what about _him?_

_'Will He Care?'_

He wished he would, but deep inside, the newly-turned vampire, couldn't bring himself to believe in those thoughts. Everything, was probably just futile.

_Guess I'm wishing my life away_

_These Things I'll Never Say_

_These Things I'll Never Say . . . _

* * *

**Author's Note: ZOMG! I actually finished it! I think this is probably one of the longest one-shots I've written, or at least the longest one I have written in a long, long time. I would like to apologize once again if things seem sort of 'ooc' but, well, its hard writing romance for them otherwise d: if you get my drift. Anyway, I hope you like it! Please, if you could refrain from flames, I'd be happy, since I don't take harsh criticism very well. Thanks for reading! I like reviews!**


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